Archives for October 2020

Windows 2000 Error Messages

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

7. To “shut down” your system, type “WIN”

8. BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

9. COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in the cup holder and press any key.

10. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

11. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A32CF Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547 LPT1 was not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error. Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found. Remove it? (Y/N)”‘

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Computer Terminology for the Layman

Apple – Gravity Fruit

Barcode – Rules at the local pub

Baud – Beach crowd obsession

Boot Up – Dress for snowy weather

Bug – Old Volkswagen

Bus – Cheaper than an airplane

Byte – What the dog did to the mail carrier

Cache – No checks accepted

Chip – A type of chocolate used in baking

Computer Terminal – Call a mortician

Crash – Attend a party uninvited

Diskette – Brief disco

FAX – What a criminal investigator wants

Garbage In/Garbage Out – A day at the sanitary landfill

Hacker – Cough drop user

Hard Copy – Tabloid T.V. show

IBM – In Between Marriages

Mac – Everyone’s favorite fast food

Megahertz – Take Tylenol and codeine

Modem – Why the lawns look so good

Mouse pad – Disneyland

Novell – An international peace prize

On-line – Sobriety test

Optic Fiber – Vision improving food with bulk

PC – Politically Correct

Programmer – English teacher’s attitude

Remote – Change the watch around the castle

ROM – Capital of Italy

Serial Port – Breakfast wine

Silicon Valley – Where breast implants are made

Superconductor – Railroad employee of the month

Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

The first man, an engineer, had a dog named “T-Square”. The second man, an accountant, had a dog named “Slide-Rule”. The third man, a chemist, had a dog called “Measure”. The fourth man was a Union member having a dog named “Coffee Break”.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, “T-Square, do your stuff.” T-Square trotted over to a desk and, with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle onto some paper.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide the cookies into four equal piles of three each.

Everyone agreed that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, proclaimed that his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and then poured exactly eight ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the Union member and said, “Hey, pal, what can your dog do?” The Union member stood up, called his dog, and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he’d injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers’ Compensation, and then went home on sick leave.

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