Computer Virus Definitions

Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You’re in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Computer Terminology for the Layman

Apple – Gravity Fruit

Barcode – Rules at the local pub

Baud – Beach crowd obsession

Boot Up – Dress for snowy weather

Bug – Old Volkswagen

Bus – Cheaper than an airplane

Byte – What the dog did to the mail carrier

Cache – No checks accepted

Chip – A type of chocolate used in baking

Computer Terminal – Call a mortician

Crash – Attend a party uninvited

Diskette – Brief disco

FAX – What a criminal investigator wants

Garbage In/Garbage Out – A day at the sanitary landfill

Hacker – Cough drop user

Hard Copy – Tabloid T.V. show

IBM – In Between Marriages

Mac – Everyone’s favorite fast food

Megahertz – Take Tylenol and codeine

Modem – Why the lawns look so good

Mouse pad – Disneyland

Novell – An international peace prize

On-line – Sobriety test

Optic Fiber – Vision improving food with bulk

PC – Politically Correct

Programmer – English teacher’s attitude

Remote – Change the watch around the castle

ROM – Capital of Italy

Serial Port – Breakfast wine

Silicon Valley – Where breast implants are made

Superconductor – Railroad employee of the month

Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA – People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN – It Still Does Nothing
APPLE – Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI – System Can’t See It
DOS – Defective Operating System
BASIC – Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM – I Blame Microsoft
DEC – Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW – World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH – Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM – Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL – Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA – A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP – Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS – Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS – Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO – Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT – Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

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